Compulsive Chaos

tristesse confuse

May 2nd, 2024

Papa est mort la semaine dernière

Et je ne sais pas quoi faire.

Quoi dire.

Je suis coincée, immobile.

Je pleure, parfois….

Parfois je sens les larmes qui n’arrivent pas à tomber

Qui ne veulent pas tomber.

J’ai dû mal à comprendre qu’il n’est plus vivant.

J’ai l’impression de l’entendre dans l’autre pièce

De le voir de loin s’approchant de nous.

Un homme d’un certain âge, entre grand et taille moyenne

Une chemise à carreaux bleus…

Il est parti en voyage, c’est tout, je me dis.

Il lit un un roman policier silencieusement, comme d’habitude.

Il est sorti prendre un café, comme tous les après-midi.

Un jour, peut-être que j’accepterai.
Triggered

July 9th, 2023

CW: body dysmorphia, body checking

I saw an ad for a Halara product today. It came up on my facebook feed. The video begins with an objectively skinny girl, sticking out her tiny tummy in jean shorts that were slightly too small, apparently to show how average denim shorts are unflattering. Enter their product, comfy Halara shorts with a waistband that sits flat and won’t give you a muffin top.

Did she look bad in the “traditional” shorts? I really didn’t think so. She’s shown (her head cropped out, erasing her identity as an individual… she is “all of us”) puffing out her barely-there belly from the side, and jiggling it (as best as one can with a small tummy) back and forth in a front view.

If I’m being charitable, the idea behind the ad was, “Look at this skinny girl! Even she has a muffin top in those old school, un-evolved jean shorts!”

Looking at the comments on the post, though, I quickly saw that I wasn’t alone in my disappointment. One commenter said that they had been thinking of trying Halara, until seeing this ad. Honestly, same.

If the goal was to boost engagement on their posts, they clearly succeeded. Earning new customers? Doubtful, at least for those of us left with a bad taste in our mouths, reeking of our early-2000s panic that we’re not small enough, that teen angst that someone might notice our tummy in our jeans.

I thought we were past this. And although supposedly “thin is in” again, judging from the comments, we’re not buying it this time.
Learning how to lose

June 3rd, 2023

My boyfriend taught me how to be a loser. Not “loser” as in a deadbeat, good-for-nothing, layabout. “Loser” as in, being able to lose at a game or not get first place in an event without feeling completely worthless, deciding I’m no good at whatever the activity is, and quitting. Real black-and-white thinking. I’m a very competitive person. I spent probably the first 20 years or so of my life trying to hide this attribute, which I found incredibly shameful when I was young: you weren’t supposed to brag. That was rude. It was BAD.

But, at the same time, you were supposed to be THE BEST at everything you endeavored. You just couldn’t let anyone know that you wanted to be the best. I’d quit things when they got too hard or I plateaued and became bored or frustrated. I didn’t speak up when I wanted a leadership role, because I wanted to be noticed and chosen, and not look like I wanted it. I wasted a lot of energy and opportunities being afraid that if I wasn’t recognized as the best at something, I must have no aptitude for it, and therefore, it was no longer worth doing.

My boyfriend is, in general, a better-adjusted human being. When I learned he was a fairly avid video game player, I assumed he was a top player in every game he played. He’s a smart guy, and he’s passionate about games and plays them a lot, so he must be incredibly talented at playing. In reality, while he’s a really good player at some games, he wouldn’t call himself a pro at most. He plays them because he enjoys them, and also because he gets a drive to be better each time he plays. He’s doing it for fun. He doesn’t expect himself to be the best player right away, or even ever.

The first time my boyfriend and I went to an arcade together, I hadn’t really been to arcades as an adult, so I was pretty hopeless at most of the games, but he was supportive and not too hard on me (that time!). Each time we returned, I tried to improve on games I had sucked at during our previous visit. I’d get frustrated time and time again, when my brain would come up with strategies, but my fingers couldn’t do the walking. But by practicing on certain games, over time I found that I could sometimes win on some of the games, making me realize that progress is possible, and that we all win some and lose some.
I start to tear up

May 11th, 2023

I start to tear up when I read accounts of ADHD that resonate with me. I’ve spent so much time denying my diagnosis, convinced that my symptoms were just personality flaws to overcome, not strong or debilitating or “real” enough to have a pathological explanation.

I’m just lazy and careless. ADHD is over-diagnosed these days anyway. That’s what they say.

Time blindness? It’s just not trying hard enough, not paying attention to the clock. That’s what they say. It’s disrespectful to be late. Just pay attention!

Time moves whether you watch it or not.

Rejection sensitivity. How can you have a thick skin, while also being so afraid of criticism? I don’t know, yet here I am: able to stand by stoically in the face of customers unleashing their fury about policies I’m simply enforcing while earning minimum wage, but unable to handle any personal constructive criticism without wallowing in bed and feeling worthless for half a day or so.

Perfectionism. I must be perfect, I must try my resolute best, because then, no one can criticize me, shattering my self-worth. I’m not perfect, I’m so lazy. How can I be a perfectionist? Therein lies the paradoxical nature of perfectionism: you can always try harder, and you can never be perfect.
Everything is important

May 11th, 2023

“You can’t see the forest for the trees.” It’s something I heard often from my professors.

I didn’t understand it the first several times, but it had something to do with “not seeing the big picture”.

I didn’t understand, because the big picture was there, but the details were far more interesting. The details contributed to the big picture in interesting ways, that got erased once you zoomed out.

Everything is important. Why write about the forest, when the trees have so much more to offer? Shouldn’t the reader be able to piece together the trees and reconstruct the forest?

Apparently not.
Overspending

May 11th, 2023

Overspending. It’s a compulsion, it’s impulsive. I want, I want, I want. Why can’t I look around me and see all the cool stuff I already have? Why can’t I draw, or play my violin or guitar, like I keep wanting to do, but just can’t manage to? The paralysis that comes with choice, with too many options. I want to do too many things, so I remain inert, I do nothing at all.

Then I feel guilty. Guilty for not doing anything, guilty for playing puzzle games on my phone for hours and hours, showing up late because I lost track of time, spending money I shouldn’t spend or don’t even have.
Forgetting

May 11th, 2023

Forgetting. I hate forgetting things. I feel like I’m not in control of my brain, or like my brain is trying to race me…. I keep getting distracted by random thoughts, and forgetting what I was going to do. And then I remember, start to go back to what I was going to do… and another thought pulls me away. It’s mind crushing (can’t think of the word I wanted to use, because I forgot). (Then later, I think:) Infuriating? (And, finally, it comes back to me): Maddening. That’s what it is. This constant cycle of forgetting and remembering is maddening.
Nesting

May 11th, 2023

Why do I like nesting? It’s a comfort thing, it’s a lazy thing, I can bundle together everything I think I might need so that it’s close at hand when I need it.

I can be nomadic. I can nest anywhere, with the things I bring along. I nest wherever sounds good at the moment. Yesterday, a coffee shop, today the couch. Some days, it’s the bed, others it might be the balcony. Nesting is the freedom of temporary and moveable comfort.

“You can’t see the forest for the trees.” It’s something I heard often from my professors.

I didn’t understand it the first several times, but it had something to do with “not seeing the big picture”.